I have had the pleasure to present a poem of mine on my first ever open mic event in Sutton. It was a fantastic, inclusive event and every reading was supporting the work of Sutton Women’s Centre. Looking forward to be doing same performances in London in the near future.
As they say, our personality is formed in the early years of our development. Further life experiences – especially the meaningful ones – can also make a powerful impact on our main characteristics. If I was to mention a remarkable period of my personal development, I would confidently come up with my relocation to the United Kingdom in April 2012.
The young girl who was travelling on the plane to London on that spring afternoon back in 2012 was although full of determination, but little did she know how challenging this journey will be in a new environment where all she had was her intelligence to solve problems.
Meeting E. during this major milestone of my life was a blessing. I did not have any connections in England so he was my sturdy tree with deep roots whom I can always rely on. Not a lot of English people would give a chance to a complete – and unemployed – foreigner to rent his property because of fear of not being able to pay the rent, but he did. In all honesty, few expected I would make a success of relocating to the UK (not even me), but E. was trying to give me faith at all times with his positive personality that it will happen if I persevere. And he was right. It took a while but it finally happened and managed to transition from retail to banking.
When I developed my mental illness, I thought this will be the end of my career in this country especially after the second debilitating episode but I managed to stabilise on the meds and bounce back from it. I will never forget when E. took a day off from work to take me to Tooting hospital when I was at rock bottom. It was the worst and most vulnerable times of my life. As a person who doesnt have any roots here, he was my main support who was always standing tall and can rely on him under any circumstances.
We are ultimately very different people but I believe we both learnt a lot from each other. He was a sales manager by profession and I always admired his confidence of handling people and listening to his constant arguments with Virgin Media about their appalling service gave me important lessons on how to stand up for myself in a world where a lot of people would push you down just so they can lift themselves up. E. has also witnessed my challenges in my career due to office politics and gave valuable advice on ‘playing the game’ myself to navigate in the harsh world of the corporate settings. But I guess the biggest lesson I learnt next to him is that perfection doesn’t exist and so people don’t need to be perfect to be loved by us which was taking me a long time to realise being a perfectionist soul.
Knowing how strong, stubborn and self reliant his personality is, I was very surprised to see that a quiet introvert like me can have an impact on a rowdy extroverted person like him in terms of a lot of aspects of life. He slowly learnt from me to be more sensible with money and someone who was always after the fine, luxurious things in life, he eventually learnt next to me that sometimes the simplest things mean the most. And I suspect as a salesman who learnt to not portray any sensitivity in his professional and personal dealings he also realised during the time of his dad passing away that vulnerability is not a weakness in front of your loved ones but something that genuinely makes you human.
I don’t think E. knows how proud I am for the self-employed career he built up. I remember I have tested his website previously and I enjoyed it very much knowing I am helping him in the process. I have seen a few posts on Linkedin about this company activity and some very nice reviews on Google and I am sure he is doing very well now but would love to know how he is doing.
I feel guilt almost every day that someone who has contributed to my development so much and was there for me all the time through thick and thin is no longer part of my life in any form. Although we were opposite personalities, one thing was always common: we were both liberal and we managed to have wonderful conversations about life which I deeply miss: it feels unnatural that we don’t talk anymore after what we have gone through together in the last decade.
Guess in the unlikely event of him reading this post, I hope he will realise how much positive effect he had on an immigrant who wouldn’t have been able to achieve as much if he had not been by my side…
In the spring of 2012, a young woman in her twenties was sitting on a plane the first time in her life travelling abroad. Most people would have been very nervous in her shoes considering that she has never flown before, but in fact, her mind was fully occupied by the excitement of discovering the world’s rich existence through experiencing a brand new culture. Artistic self expression was her main talent and this long awaited adventure was really needed to stimulate her creative side. Whether it’s to express the interesting aspects of a new environment, the culture shock and it’s invisible obstacles or the joyful bacchanal her soul would be dancing when the new impressions are overflowing her senses. These moments, are literally the best raw materials for any creative process and she was aware that these will enrich her life further and provide her a brand new perspective on the world.
A big, orange-coloured suitcase, a medium sized handbag, £2,500 in cash and an incredible amount of determination to succeed was travelling with her on that April afternoon. It wasn’t a short holiday but a well planned life changing decision to leave the well known behind for the hope of a better quality of life. She knew that whatever happens in the future, she will cope and will always have a backup plan to return to her native country if things are not planning out well – and this safety net was sufficient for her over-analysing mind to not get into the worry cycle. Measuring herself in an environment where all she had was her intelligence to solve problems, was the highest form of personal development for her and this knowledge made it worthwhile to make the decision to leave the familiar behind. Being a risk averse soul, this was a very courageous decision. But the existence of a back up plan made the journey lighter which took away most of the fear that usually accompanies any major life-changing situation.
Living in another country she quickly realised that while we pick up new habits and create new boundaries, some aspects of our lives remain the same: our inner barriers, the never learnt lessons, the seemingly insurmountable obstacles we are carrying with ourselves to everywhere. Chances are these challenges will not break the surface immediately in a brand new environment, but once the newly experienced world becomes our new comfort zone, we will soon face everything that we have not solved in the past.
As Steve Jobs said, ‘you can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards’- and while we can label life experiences as ‘bad’ in the moment when something outrageous is happening to us, looking backwards it can be evaluated as a blessing in disguise. As unbearable as it may seem to deal with a not-so-easy life situation, it can have a profound meaning if we are flexible enough to analyse the scenario and take away the most important lessons from it.
That young woman on the plane back in 2012 was me. If I follow Steve Jobs’ advice and connect the dots looking backwards, I can confidently say that this adventure was the best decision of my life despite all the challenges I experienced in my path. Met a lot of wonderful people who genuinely fostered my growth in one way or another and will forever be grateful for all the things I have learnt in the United Kingdom (including the difficult lessons). I am also grateful for all the closed doors that never opened to me during my time here as these events have diverted me to a more suitable and enjoyable path in both my private and professional life. Looking forward for all the new experiences this country can offer in the next decades!
In England, there is a commonly used phrase, ‘beat about the bush’ which literally means ‘avoiding the main topic’. However, there is a more accurate expression which explains its historical origin:
“The likely origin of the phrase, ‘beat around the bush’, is derived from early hunting techniques in which unarmed men would walk around the forest beating tree branches and making noise, so as to flush the game from the bush. This allowed the hunters to avoid directly approaching the animals. This technique was most often used in boar and bird hunting and was done as a safety measure due to the razor tusks and the likelihood of a boar charging a hunter. In bird hunting, this was to scare the birds from their cover so that hunters could take them easily. It is possible that the phrase is a shortened version of an old phrase, ‘to beat the bushes for’, which meant someone was seeking something with little effort.”
So it was indeed a kind of preparation for hunters to be secured and felt ready before they start pursuing their goals with not so much effort. Have a look at the bold words. What do you think, what do these words have in common? Yes, they all refer to the attributes of our comfort zones.
Being inside our comfort zone basically means that we don’t need to do so much effort to function in a way as we got used to. We can choose the easiest ways in our lives just to reduce the anxiety which is an inseparable part of building a new coping mechanism, called a habit. This habit is an automated response which we are not really aware of as we have been continuously practicing it for so long without any concentration. And as we always act in the same ways, our next reaction for a similar situation will remain consistent to our learnt behaviour. Breaking an automated habit is stressful but is a must to expand our personal boundaries. Truth is, there are one time actions when we finally gather all of our courage and step out of our prison door. It does, however, not mean that our personal boundaries have been successfully expanded as the ‘beat about the bush effect’ is still part of our personality. That is in fact the chief culprit of not being successful in creating a more productive place as we are still not able to lower the limiting effect of our avoiding personality trait.
Avoidance is a really interesting concept: it basically gives the comfort of defence from a particular negative outcome that would be a potential result of stepping out of our rusty cage. To judge how rusty that cage we have, I have the below question for you:
When was the last time you have learned something new and practiced it long enough to successfully become a new habit?
If the answer to this is: long ago, you may need a serious comfort zone reevaluation. It may look like you are defending yourself from serious consequences with not trying anything new but this in fact hindering your progress in life and so has a limiting effect. This is applicable to relationships as well – the more avoidant you are, the less chance you can form deep and meaningful relationships.
We all gradually need to learn new habits that would expand our current limits. We must tolerate the discomfort for a certain amount of time while a new activity becomes a habit, the uncomfortable feelings are not something that we can escape. The more we allow ourselves to feel uncomfortable, the quicker it will be to form new habits that would become an automatic action and no longer cause us fear.
There is no way to feel 100% ready to do something – we can sacrifice great opportunities if we wait for the perfect moment that will never come. But if we embrace our imperfections and act in spite of our vulnerability, we can achieve the most remarkable things life can offer.
I clearly remember the day when I was reading an enthralling article in terms of solitude. In this period, I spent a lot of time on my own that I really enjoyed and I was so curious about how other people experience and think about the issue so I deliberately checked the comments as well. I have found one that immediately caught my attention. It was speaking about a movie that I found interesting, called Into the Wild. Watching that movie was the first step in my path towards self-awareness as it made me realise a lot about myself and the way I operate in my life.
Our brain is a special tool, indeed an experience warehouse that remembers a lot of meaningful issues in terms of our lives. We have built habits that we have been continuously practising for long without any concentration and if we always act in the same way, the outcome will definitely remain the same as well. But it has been long told that accomplishing a different result requires an entirely different approach. Continuous success is only available if we free our minds up, think outside the box and let new impressions influence our obsolete thinking with the help of rehearsing something different.
We all see new foods in our daily life that we try without thinking; we buy quite different clothes that are opposite from the ones hanging in our wardrobes; we visit new countries in order to know other cultures and to widen our horizons. These moments are, literally and figuratively, about the process as we step outside of our comfort zones. These actions don’t cause fear in us, we only see the reward when chosing these behaviours as we learnt throughout the years that even if the outcome of these events are not so rosy, it would not directly affect our self esteem.
But what happens if a goal or a dream with a larger implication on the self breaks the surface causing tension in our soul and make us unmoved? What will be the outcome if we start contemplating the major factors of the situation, instead of acting? How can we get rid of the tension that deliberately tries to pull us back within our familiar boundaries? And most importantly, in the moment of fear, how can we convince ourselves that we have just one life and we have to do our best to accomplish what we are dreaming about?
In this blog, I am going to deal with these kind of questions and invite you to a self-discovering journey where you will be able to realise the importance and operation of your apparently defending but indeed limiting system, called the comfort zone. This space will record my journey towards self-recognition and knowing that this is an experimental project of mine, I will keep this space very opened and honest with my findings.
If you have any thoughts and experiences you wish to share, please feel free to leave a comment or get in touch with me in the Contact section. I would be happy to read about other perspectives too so don’t hesitate to voice your opinions.
Outside the bud 